2.20.2007

Body Language - Part 4

Tense Mouth

Tense mouth is indicative of hostility or disagreement. It is closely related to the usage of the lower teeth which are associated with unfriendliness. It is an attempt to hide or not show off the lower teeth or make an offensive gesture with the mouth while in conversation with someone not particularly liked.

A tense mouth is visible through flattening and thinning of the lips. As opposed to full lips, the person is subconsciously tensing their lips in effect making them seem smaller and less visible. The lips are a very friendly and encouraging part of the face. When a person doesn't like someone, they inevitably find it hard to show their lips as a way of saying that they are not happy and they are not inviting. At the same time the person is trying not to show off their lower teeth too much, although this might happen, as this could be a very offensive and at times inappropriate display of facial expression.

The opposite of a tense mouth would be the lower lip protrusion, plumping lips (as in flirting), showing upper teeth and in effect smiling.

Through Look

Psychological technique to get oneself unattached to a particular person by not avoiding them in the field of vision, and at the same time to slowing down to make eye contact, so as to be uninfluenced. Used very often by public speakers. Public speakers are trained to make eye contact, to scan the room and at the same time not fixate on any one particular person or area. The purpose is to give everyone recognition and a chance to speak up, if a member of the audience has a question, but not to be otherwise distracted by any one particular person or object.


Touch (First Touch)

The first touch--a milestone in courtship--is likely to seem casual, unpremeditated, and "accidental" rather than serious. An eager hand reaches out to a neutral body part (a forearm or shoulder, e.g.) which reacts by accepting the contact or by pulling away. Sensitive pads of our fingertips used as tactile antennae gauge the slightest startle, tenseness, or hesitation of response.

Negative replies include angling away, leaning away, and no reaction.

Positive responses include

a. lifting the shoulders, shoulder shrug b. sideward head-tilt, and c. returning the touch with a touch.

Thus, partners learn a great deal from the first manual contact, which deftly probes beneath spoken words to feelings. Touching another's body captures full attention, and is the evolutionary true test of where a partner stands.


Touching

Research shows: "Wives under stress are soothed by husbands' touch."

Casual touching is one of the most powerful attraction triggers. The soothing effect of the touch could be seen in MRI scans of areas deep in the brain that are involved in registering emotional and physical alarm.

The 'touch' most commonly referred to is hand holding. There are other important reasons for holding her hand, but as this research confirms, it has an INSTANT soothing affect.

It is believed that casual touching, and hand holding in particular has a massive effect on success in long term relationships.

Researcher notes that this effect is many times more powerful with married couples, but even a complete stranger STILL had an effect on the woman?s brain. It is possible for a total stranger, can trigger a soothing effect on any woman, DEEP in her subconscious mind, simply through the use of a simple touch.


Verbal Plumage - The lip sinking that is attractive in men and unattractive in women

Verbal Plumage is quite simply using exaggerated facial expressions and lips and mouth movement to talk with the face. We all move our lips and faces when we talk to deliver the sound. Verbal plumage is just that same facial behaviors to a greater volume especially when saying pleasant, soft or deep sounds. What ever kind of movement you make with your mouth and lips when you say words like "you", "on", "feel", "between", "inside", "deep", "always", "forever", "no other" etc. Girls like those words. They are just words to us guys, but to them they have special significance when we say it. The word "special" is another word.

When you say those words exaggerate the lip movement part of the word as if it has special significance for you too. Girls love that. They feel special when they hear those words, and you adding verbal plumage to it makes the word that much more profound as if you really mean it.

Verbal plumage doesn't have to be any particular words. Verbal plumage on it's own is simply talking with the face by definition. To use it in the context of seduction would be to increase verbal plumage at particular words and phrases that have deep meaning and feeling attached to them.

Imagine you are talking to a deaf persona and you are trying to make your self understood. Imagine the extra kind of lip sinking you would do to express yourself. Do just that, but only do it with the right words when you are saying words that are pleasant to girls when they hear them. Here are some more words that girls like when you say them:

intention true reality no choice I want appreciation sincere trust come on yes

In comparison, words like: call, go out, maybe, I don't know, no, number, meet etc. Girls don't like those words. They hear them all the time when guys try to hit on them and get their digits. Say less of those words, and when you do use them you are a ventriloquist at the time.

Girls are already very expressive and feeling when they talk. It's not attractive in a woman to use verbal plumage because that makes her even more touchy feely clingy when she talks. But in a guy, it makes him come by as caring and in touch with his feelings when talking to women.


Voice Training

Right before you call stand up and hum a little bit at a moderate to deep tone -- it'll improve the sound of your voice over the phone


Zygomatic Smile

A very "pleasant" smile, and one of the most sincere types of smiles which is very hard to produce on demand, is the zygomatic smile. A zygomatic smile is the real item, a genuine heartfelt smile that involves upturned corners of the mouth, wrinkling at the eyes, or crow's feet, and utilizes very many more facial muscles than we can easily control voluntarily. It is therefore virtually impossible to fake the zygomatic smile, and most of us, while not necessarily knowing it, can distinguish it from a "phony" smile.

Body Language - Part 3


Push Pull Technique

In the song Yellow by Coldplay, Chris Martin demonstrates using body language a Push Pull example.

"Because I love you so". Stops, looks back, turns around, gives you a chance to leave, gives you space. Then when he sees that you really do want him, you would wait for him and you in the camera are there slowing down to stay with him. The camera was moving gradually along the beach and he was walking forward along the beach. Both he and the camera were together, that is how we could see him, and now that he slows down, we see that we are slowing down for him. But he doesn't make us, the audience wait, he is the one who comes back. The camera is staying there, looking at him and he comes back, tight after he looks around first: Push, Pull.

Make your move, then if the girl's not going for it by saying yes right away, just give some space. If she waits for you to come back; she's yours.


Reconnaissance

Upon re-entering our home (after several hours of absence), we feel a peculiar need to wander about the space to "check" for intruders. In mammals, this behavior is known as reconnaissance: ". . . in which the animal moves round its range in a fully alerted manner so that all its sense organs are used as much as possible, resulting in maximal exposure to stimuli from the environment. It thus 'refreshes its memory' and keeps a check on everything in its area. This is a regular activity in an already familiar environment, which does not require the stimulus of a strange object.


Shining Eyes

The eyes have a tiny gland on the bottom of the eyelid secreting liquids such as tears for use as lubrication. When a person is interested or excited, the glands tend to secrete liquid thus giving the eyes a shiny appearance.

During courtship, shining eyes are used extensively to indicate a sign or attraction in the other person. When describing a guy, the girl might say "there was something in his eyes." "The lover's eyes" is another term used to mark their characteristic appearance.

In practice, it is very hard to have shining eyes without having genuine intentions, therefore there is the belief that people can tell one another's motives subconsciously through face to face interaction.

Shining Eyes combined with Pupil Dilation and Binocular Disparity subconsciously communicate enthusiasm and warmth towards the subject.


Symmetry

The body plans of most animals, including humans, exhibit mirror symmetry, also called bilateral symmetry. They are symmetric about a plane running from head to tail (or toe).

Bilateral symmetry is so prevalent in the animal kingdom that many scientists think that it can't be a coincidence. After all, there are infinitely more ways to construct an asymmetrical body than a symmetrical one. And yet, fossilized evidence shows that bilateral symmetry had already taken hold in animals as early as 500 million years ago.

Therefore, bilateral symmetry must have evolved for a reason, the thinking goes. And over the years, scientists have come up with a number of hypotheses about what that reason might be. According to one, a body that is bilaterally symmetrical is easier for the brain to recognize while in different orientations and positions, thus making visual perception easier.

Another popular hypothesis is that symmetry evolved to help with mate selection. Experiments with birds and insects revealed that females prefer to mate with males possessing the most symmetrical sexual ornaments. Peahens, for example, prefer peacocks with more extravagant and symmetrical tails, and female barn swallows prefer males with long, symmetrical tail feathers.

Human experiments also show similar patterns.

Experiments have found that women are more attracted to men who have features that are more symmetrical than other men. One study even found that women have more orgasms during sex with men who were more symmetrical, regardless of their level of romantic attachment or the guys' sexual experience.

The connection between body symmetry and mate selection began to make sense when researchers started finding correlations between symmetry and health. One study found that men with asymmetric faces tend to suffer more from depression, anxiety, headaches and even stomach problems. Women with facial asymmetry are less healthy and more prone to emotional instability and depression.

Another study found that the more asymmetric a person's body was, the more likely they were to show signs of aggression when provoked.

Symmetry is also prevalent in the physical sciences and is woven into the very laws that govern our universe.


Tapping

Tapping is a defensive gesture or a warning sign for a person not to come any closer. It doesn't necessarily mean that one wants the other person to leave, unless the tapping becomes very loud and even audible from a distance, which is then the area from which the person doing the tapping wants the people around them to clear.

It is not an aggressive signal, but that of mainly wanting to hold things off, not come any close, keep things the way they are. The auditory effect of the tapping also has the verbal effect of not wanting to be disturber with conversation. The sound itself is meant to block of other sound as another person might try to speak and has a psychological effect of distracting the brains auditory cortex. It's like turning on the radio to distract oneself from noisy neighbors arguing across the hall, or pretending to be listening to a walkman when someone is trying to start a conversation.

Tapping in a physical sense also serves to designate one's territory. In a classroom setting or an office environment, one might tap their pencil against the side of the table meaning that he/she's busy so that nobody sits next to them in order to maintain the concentration.


Tense Eyes

The eyes themselves don't tense as much as the eye lids around them and in tense situation, more particularly the lower eye lids. The eye lids close in around the eyes limiting their vision and in effect having an expression of zeroing in or targeting someone. When the eye lids are smaller it's hard to see the surrounding area, so the person has one location in their scope of vision in mind. It is the opposite of open body language and a sign of closed body language. In open body language a person is friendly willing and receptive. When the eyes are smaller, they are showing that they are not receptive. They are focused on one particular area of importance usually because it is perceived as a threat or a source of trouble.

The eyes can also be tense sometimes when a person is concentrating on a task, such as reading an important document, or working on an assignment, however, when dealing with personal interaction, tense eyes are very specifically associated with unfriendliness or hostility. Tensing of the eyelids could also help one so see better as the tension helps in the shaping of the eyes to focus. When a person is working on a task and not involved in a social setting, tense eyes would indeed be a method for the person to focus better. In a social setting people have adapted to use tense eyes as a means of communicating suspicion or wariness, particularly of an intellectual basis as opposed to emotional or personal.

A tense or unfriendly expression in the eyes is a sign that the person is disliking something that is something analytical or of technical nature. For instance when one's wife has tense eyes it could mean that she doesn't trust her husband in something like doing the bills or renovating the house. It doesn't mean that she's suspecting him of having an affair or believes he's forming an emotional attachment with another woman. The eyes mainly reveal thought processes and not matters of the hearth, unless a person evaluates their personal relationships on an analytical level, which is rarely so.


Body Language - Part 2

Kinesics

The importance of body language is recognized worldwide - there will not be a training for sales people and management in which the study of body language is absent, for instance. In 1970 Julius Fast wrote his famous book "Body Language." In it he writes about the study of the language of the body and called it: kinesica. More recent developed theories on human functioning have given life to Neuro Linguistic Programming. NLP uses body language as its main source of information to tell more about the way we operate as people, by ourselves or when we are together. For instance, we adjust our body position all the time to our environment when we are in company or in a public place. It has been researched that we have a higher success rate of getting our message across to another when we take on a similar position as him/her. Unconsciously we copy the others? movements like crossing and uncrossing legs, turning our bodies this way or that. In NLP this process is called modeling and could also be referred to as building rapport.


Love Signals

A great deal of our nonverbal communication bespeaks sexuality. Despite speech, courtship is best transacted in an unspoken medium through, e.g., lip-pouts, head-tilts, and shoulder-shrugs. Verbally saying "I love you" before showing love nonverbally in gesture, posture, and deed is apt to scare a partner away.

The lesson here? Don't tell a girl "I love you" too soon. Instead use body language gestures and nonverbal communication to show your feelings of interests. If you tell her your feelings, but you're too nervous and your body language in not in tune, she might perceive your verbal speech as insincere. First try to use non verbal signals. See also Rapport and Mirroring.


Masculinity

"Keep shoulders broad but posture not *too* straight; keep eye contact; look other men in the eye and don't do the "down & away"; don't cover face unless you are acting mischievous; slow movements; deep tonality; move from either the hips or the shoulders (generally); broad arm movements; move with a sense that you occupy a great deal of space -- that you have a large domain or territory; make your eyes expressive of emotion and not of excitement; don't be afraid to grab her or "handle" her -- **be able to guide her** and have the confidence to do so: learn to really dance (waltz, salsa, samba, flamenco, etc.) and this'll become second nature." alt.seduction.fast


Right Brain vs. Left Brain

This theory of the structure and functions of the mind suggests that the two different sides of the brain control two different "modes" of thinking.

Experimentation has shown that the two different sides, or hemispheres, of the brain are responsible for different manners of thinking. The following table illustrates the differences between left-brain and right-brain thinking:

Left Brain:

Logical

Sequential

Rational

Analytical

Objective

Looks at parts


Right Brain: Random

Intuitive

Holistic

Synthesizing

Subjective

Looks at wholes


Some individuals have a distinct preference for one of these styles of thinking. Some, are more whole-brained and equally adept at both modes. In general, academia tend to favor left-brain modes of thinking, while downplaying the right-brain ones. Left-brain scholastic subjects focus on logical thinking, analysis, and accuracy. Right-brained subjects, on the other hand, focus on aesthetics, feeling, and creativity.


Pacing and Leading

Pacing and leading is one of the keys to influencing people. It refers to meeting them at their map of the world (pacing) and then taking them where you want them to go (leading.) Rapport is a basic, behavioural signal that you have met someone at their map of the world. The simplest, most effective test for rapport is "if you lead, they follow."

2) Choose a safe situation to practise mirroring an element of someone else?s behaviour. When you have mirrored them for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next minute or so, congratulate yourself ? you have led their behaviour!

Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviours they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually anything you can observe.

3) Increase the range of behaviours that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)

Note: It is possible to get rapport without pacing by being outrageous and/or dynamic in a way that drawn in the audience and catches their attention.

See Also: Mirroring, Rapport


Pupil Dilation

The dilation of the pupils is an increase in the diameter of the pupils as they get bigger to take in more light as it gets darker. Dilating pupils is also indicative of interest. One can subconsciously tell if the other person is eager to see them by the size of the pupils in the other persons eyes. When the pupils are large in normal lighting conditions, the persons eagerness and alert perception is noticed. A person with fake interest would be smiling and showing positive gestures, but their pupils would remain small, thus giving the person away.

Pupil Dilation combined with Shining Eyes and Binocular Disparity could be used in communicating enthusiasm and warmth towards the subject.

Body Language - Part 1

Definitions

Binocular Disparity

The difference between the two retinal images of an object. Because the right and the left eye are at slightly different positions from each other, they have to turn inwards in order to keep focus on an object as it approaches closer. The closer the object the more the eyes turn inwards. A listener can tell how alert the other person is by the angle or the eyes turning inwards. Binocular Disparity is what allows us to have three dimensional vision.

While talking to a person, subconsciously one can tell if the other person is paying attention. The more a listener focuses their vision on the speaker, the more the eyes turn inwards. A listener whose eyes are both turned straight forward reveals that he's not paying attention. Even though there is eye contact, the eyes should be turned in slightly in order to focus on the speaker.

Binocular Disparity can be used to subconsciously communicate relaxation or aggression. By focusing the eyes on a dot on the other person's face, one is perceived to be alert. Maintaining focus on the dot for longer time would make the person appear as aggressive or even angry such as zeroing in on a target.

On the contrary, looking at the whole face of the other person, and unfocusing the eyes, makes one come across as relaxed and friendly or even easy going. Unfocusing the eyes can be used as an aid in argument resolution. The decreased angle of the eyes turning inward makes one look as having relaxed. As a result, the other person sees a relaxed look of the eyes and tends to relax himself.

See Also: Pupil Dilation, Shining Eyes


Cut Off / Facing Away

A form of gaze avoidance or intrusion avoidance in which the head or the whole body is turned fully away to one side.

A sudden cut-off gesture in conversation may indicate uncertainty or disagreement with a speaker's remarks. Sustained cut-off may reveal shyness or disliking.

A cut off is a form of angular distance. People also turn away as a form of being considerate and giving the other person space in a setting where moving away physically is impractical. During an intermission, the candidates in a debate would respectfully turn away, so as to give each other room to breathe.

In salesmanship, looking suddenly up and to the side is a signal of the prospects skepticism. The sales agent themselves could turn their head or the whole body to the side to make their presence less pushy to the prospect. While walking away discourages prospects because of the retreating nature, the cut off can be used as a substitute for angular distance.

Facing away is a reaction to spatial invasion either one's own of the other persons. After the host and the various guests embrace, they back off and one or both always look away as an equilibrium-maintaining technique to re-establish a proper level of proxemity.

Males and people of greater physical size turn their heads away to the side more than do females and people of smaller stature who in turn find it more comfortable and easier to create distance by walking.

Both gaze aversion and torso rotation increase dramatically in conditions of crowding.


Dancing as a Seduction Tool

Dancing is one of those things that can either greatly enhance or totally destroy your chances to score depend on how good you are at it. Many guys would actually be better off just standing around trying to look cool, if the alternative is dancing badly. Women treat dancing as a form of "safe sex" (a fun, sensual activity without any of the risks or downsides of actual sex), and a guy's ability to close-contact dance with women is often viewed by them as an indicator of sexual ability.

There's a certain breed of guy called "the dance partner". This guy likes to hang out all night in clubs, dance for hour after hour with many women, and go home with none of them. He might either be gay, or simply have no idea on how to translate the dancing into sex.

A famous receiver for the Oakland Raiders named Fred Biletnikoff used to say that "if you can put your hands on a pass, you should be able to catch it. If you have a woman in your arms, you should be able to get her into your bed. Dancing is an excellent way to get her into your arms. If she is with a group of girls, ask everyone at the table to dance one by one and work over to the one you want. If they are sitting there drinking and talking, watching the dance floor and keeping time to the music, they are ready to dance. Go ask, if they say no, laugh and have your comeback line ready. I have had girls that said no come back to me and want to know why I didn't ask them again. Usually those are the one's that go home with you too. I would say that 9 1/2 out of ten girls I ask to dance, go out on the floor with me. Energize them, then let things flow. Firm but gentle works most of the time."


Ears, Right Ear vs. Left Ear

If you're stuck chatting up a "mumbler" (someone who will mumble their words instead of speaking clearly) at a cocktail party, lean in with your right ear. It's better than your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech, according to researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. If, on the other hand, you're trying to identify a song playing softly in the elevator, turn your left ear toward the sound. The left ear is better at picking up music tones.


Eyebrow Raise

The tendency for people to raise their eyebrows as one approaches them fact-to-face is usually indicative of esteem. If you walk down the street and encounter someone you don't know then the chances are that neither of you will raise your eyebrows. If you recognize each other, however, even if you do not greet each another, then eyebrows will likely raise and lower. Of particular interest here in a business-place context is that if one person is not rated highly by the other person then that person will not raise their eyebrows, even though they acknowldge the presence of the first person.

While meeting a person, briefly raise and lower the eyebrows to communicate greetings as the person enters your scope of vision. When accompanied by a slight backwards head tilt, the greeting gesture can be made to come across as very sincere and genuine. Both the zygomatic smile and the eyebrow movement are very popular body language tools used by sales people and politicians.


Hugging (Rocking)

Primate holding in the arms, a natural mothering response, is met with clinging, an infantile sign of needing to be mothered. Thus, embracing is the evolutionary correct way to say "I love you," and the proper primate way to say "I need you" as well. As humans embrace, a gentle rocking motion from side to side occurs. Swaying, a positive sign, stimulates pleasure centers linked to the inner ear's vestibular sense. Not only do we rock babies, but also the adults we love.

2.19.2007

Victimless

I have seen parents who say to their children, “If you are going to smoke, I don’t want you smoking in the house. If you are going to drink alcohol, I don’t want you to bring alcohol into the house. If you are going to have sex, I want you to use protection. If you are going to have your boyfriend stay overnight, I want to see him sleeping on the couch in the living room when I get up in the morning. If you have a car accident, I want you to get it fixed yourself.” And then they turn to me and say, “See? We’re teaching our children responsibility.”

The parents glow with an air of self-satisfied serenity.

In reality, they’re like the eye of a hurricane, calm and peaceful, blind to the storm spreading moral chaos all around them.

And this “serenity” is the attitude behind a tolerance for “victimless” sex.

“What’s wrong with pornography or prostitution? As long as no one gets hurt, no harm is done,” we say.

But is it true that no harm is done? Maybe, like the parents in the example above, we just don’t want to see it. Maybe we don’t want to see the corruption, the fraud, the theft, the abuse, the murders even, that support our habits. Conveniently out of our sight, “no harm” is done.

And maybe you don’t want to see the children who have to suffer the agony of their parents’ adultery and divorce. Maybe you don’t want to see the children who have to see their parents’ alcoholism and drug abuse. Maybe you don’t want to see the children who have to see their parents prostitute themselves for affection, money, or drugs. Maybe you don’t want to see the children who are physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by their parents’ “lovers.”

“I just want to have fun. I don’t see any harm in that,” you say.

THE CAVIAR OF SEX

The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.


THE CAVIAR OF SEX (as defined by a woman): sex in a context of a loving long-term committed relationship.

THE CAVIAR OF SEX (as defined by a man): sex with a Hollywood sex symbol.


While many, perhaps most, men eventually do move toward the above woman's view about the ideal sexual experience, this move usually does not come from following a "should." Instead, they discover that sex in a loving relationship is more satisfying than a quickie with a new partner. They change their view out of experience. Unfortunately, many men never seem to grow up in this regard because of their fear of a deep lasting relationship.


Tip for men who want more sex: Pay close attention to how your sexual WORDS are affecting your partner. Some words will be offensive and some will be arousing, depending upon your partner.

It is also unfortunate that many women who believe that loving sex is the caviar of sex often put down other forms of sexual expression. For them, sex in a significant relationship becomes the only OK form of sexual expression. While significant relationships might be wonderful, they are not always available. Not everyone at all times has them. Yet our sexuality is ever present. Sometimes it leads women into totally inappropriate relationships just to satisfy (1)a sex urge or (2)a neurotic trap of "you should be in relationship."


A belief in the necessity for an open marriage is not popular. Yet the freedom to explore outside marriage does seem essential for some, whether or not they do roam. Those who react most negatively to infidelity seem often confronted with it. Earth School lessons (see Chapter 11) may be at work here, giving such people roaming partners. Thus, they have the opportunity to move beyond their fears and unhappy feelings about unfaithfulness. Another @#$%^& growth opportunity! Many were horrified by the O'Neills' book, Open Marriage, and badly misinterpreted its meaning. (An open marriage does not imply that sex with partners outside the relationship will take place, but that the freedom is given to one's partner to do so.) Despite its controversy, Open Marriage contains valuable information about marriage and ways to move beyond one's discomfort with a roaming partner. I recommend that you read it if infidelity and/or a roaming partner are part of your life.

2.16.2007

Dating

Complexity of dating

Men and women are remarkable creatures, and in some respects, easily predictable. The one most important thing they want, trumping all other concerns, is proximity.

Or is it?

Generalisations are dangerous here. To suggest that persons are predictable or are seeking "only one thing" is to underestimate the complexity of modern dating.

From the anthropological or historical perspectives, courtship ought not to be difficult. After some initial tough competition, the male wins a female and their joining forms the basis of future progeny. Arranged marriages, marriages of convenience, inter-tribal relationships designed to seal a political connection (as with the Campbells and MacDonalds on the eve of the Glencoe Massacre) all suggest a time when the matter was out of the hands of the young man or woman.

On the basis of many of the greatest writings in the history of English literature, some claim that courtship should be natural, free and almost dreamlike, as fate guides two uplifted hearts together breathlessly. Others suggest that dating in contemporary society has become mechanistic and deterministic.

Example process

Here is an example process:

1. Locate a man or woman
2. Get within ten meters
3. Smile, make eye contact
4. Prepare for the consequences

This oversimplification might not result in dating, but only social contact.

For the purposes of this text, the term partner is applied to each of the two persons that are dating. If the two partners remain in courtship after the first meeting, then they enter a day-to-day phase. For some partners, this is a time to explain their love to each other while investigating how or why the other person loves them. That is, you investigate the mystery of why your partner loves you. Also, you be honest and explain how, when, where, and why you like your partner. This means talking about oneself, and not what one does. (FIXME is there a difference?)

Both persons should maintain their extraneous interests, such as friends, careers, et cetera, but should also enjoy themselves together. The maintenance of these other interests supplies new topics to discuss with a partner, but the ceasation of these activities can limit potential conversation topics, and appear needy and insecure. By making oneself available all the time, one removes the element of scarcity that is a component of attraction.

Where To Meet Women


To attract women takes exposure. Where ever you are, to get a woman to like you and to spend time with you will take time and work getting to know one another. That is why most places where people meet are where men and women frequent automatically because they don't have a choice. Women have no choice about going to work. The work place is the number one area where people meet often. Everyone has to work. Even the most beautiful women have to make a living somehow. They go to work and they have to talk to the people that are there. At work you will encounter women as you carry on with the tasks of the day. This brings us to the number one spot to meet women:

1. At Work

Statistics show that some 70 percent of married people got together at work. The key ingredients are time, getting to know each other and similar interests. Women search for men with similar talents to their own and none of the flaws in what is called compatibility. We all have flaws, but we try to limit those by meeting a person with different flaws of our own. When it comes to aptitudes and natural talents women look for men similar to themselves. This insured the dissolution of bad genes and concentration of good genes. At the same work place people tend to have similarities in their abilities, especially when is comes to the same lines of work. Combined with time and the opportunity to get to thoroughly know one another, the right people automatically click together. That is why it's so important to work at something you are good at and really enjoy.

2. Church

Church is supposed to be a spiritual place and not a dating service and yet it's a known fact that a lot of people meet and get married through church. The kind of church to join is one with similar background to yourself as well as your faith. The more similar people are the more chances there are for compatibility. Even in one denomination there are different locations. Join the one with people the most similar to yourself. The more you like the people there the more you will be eager to help out and as a result you will get noticed.

3. School

Studies show that people build special emotional bonds at an early age. The girls you have met in high school, especially near the age of sixteen usually will have a special memory of you. People were not meant to get married and have kids as late as they do it today's day and age. In the old times, girls used to get pregnant in their teens. Nature equipped girls with a special imprinting during those early ears. Keep in touch with a girl you knew in high school. She probably has deeper feelings for you than you knew.

4. Friends

Needless to say, every group has their own spots they like to hang out at. It's different for every group of friends, but the facts are that a lot of people meet through a friend or a friend of a friend. It could be a buddies ex or a friend of your ex girlfriends friend, whatever the case. Most people consider it immoral to date your friends ex girlfriends, but look at it this way, statistically most people end up doing it anyway. Just don't hit on your friends current girlfriend or somebody that he is currently dating. Chances are she is more interested in him, and in this case jeopardizing the relationship is more than it's worth.

The way to get access to your buddies girls is to be facilitating with you own female friends. This does two things. It makes you popular with the ladies because they want to meet guys just as much as we want them. Second, it gets your buddy to be less possessive. When he's involved with someone, she's not going to like him being jealous over someone else. This is when all of his female contacts become fair game.

5. Sports Teams

Gym memberships are increasing world wide. However, it's not in the gym or the wait room where couples tend to meet. Instead consider joining a team that gets together once or twice a week on a regular basis. Good sports are volleyball, soccer and frisbee. These are usually stand alone organizations you just have to find them. The idea is that team sports set the tone for interaction. Also, body smell such as from sweating during physical activity helps females determine genetic compatibility from pheromones and Androstenone smell. To recap, yes most successful marriages do start off in the work place or from the high school years. However, with the right ingredients of time, compatibility and interaction other places could be an opportunity for meeting women as well.

6. Grocery Stores

As with work, everyone has to go to the grocery store or supermarket. Again, this includes even the most beautiful women. One advantage of supermarkets is that single men and women, as well as single parents, must shop there. Also, visits to the supermarket are likely to be very frequent, as frequent as for example going to church services. It is thus possible to meet and get to know men or women by regularly visiting your local supermarket. In the UK, Sainsbury's stores are particularly good for meeting potential partners.

So can you meet a woman just about anywhere? Successful pickups have happened at bars, clubs, coffee shops, mall, elevator you name it. It's not a question of getting a date. To find the right woman takes time with her and getting to know her. Meanwhile, all those other places are great practice.

Thoughts on Female Sexual Psychology

Dr. Nelson Soucasaux, Brazilian gynecologist


We know that the self-erotic and narcissist feature of female sexuality is very strong. The manner and the effort with which the most elegant women care for their bodies and seek to beautify themselves by far surpasses the natural vanity related to the body that also exists in men. It is obvious that this attitude, in part, serves to attract men, since the male sexual desire is mostly stimulated by the sight and the aesthetics of the woman's body.

However, here, the high degree of self-eroticism characteristic of the female sex also plays an important role, given the pleasure that women feel in exhibiting their bodies. Frequently only by doing that do many women feel a good degree of sexual satisfaction ­ though, obviously, this is not all. Quoting Gikovate: "...starting with puberty, this pleasure is strongly reinforced by the fact that the female body becomes desirable to men; thus, for women, the pleasure in exhibiting themselves interweaves with the pleasure of feeling desired, in a way that this aspect of sexuality might assume a fundamental importance." (Gikovate, F.: "O Instinto Sexual" ["The Sexual Instinct"], MG Editores, São Paulo, Brazil, 1980)

I believe it is possible to consider women as being, to a considerable extent, sexual objects for themselves. Symmetry is something that does not seem to exist between the female sexual desire and the male one. In men, the physical sense that first arouses desire is sight, specifically the sight of the female body. Conversely, in women, sight seems to have less importance in arousing the sexual impulse, since there are indications that they are much more attracted by the features of men's personalities than by male bodies (though presently some women "pretend" to feel as much attracted by men's bodies as men are by women's bodies). Quoting Gikovate once again: "A woman . . . is not sexually attracted by a man's body; her enchantment is more related to some characteristics that are capable of arousing a feeling of love. As love is a feeling that originates from admiration, the interest of a woman in a man occurs essentially because he possesses characteristics that she considers as positive . . . ."

There are indications that, in women, the tactile stimulation of their bodies is of greater importance than sight arousing the sexual impulse. We also can say that, while men desire women directly, women, to a considerable extent, seem to desire the desire that men feel for them - though, of course, this is not all. In any case, this women's desire of the desire they arouse in men is one more remarkable and evident feature of female psychology.

While the male sexual libido directs itself straight to women, the woman's sexual libido starts from herself, "envelops" and uses the man to return, through him, to the woman herself. Maybe we could say that, to some extent, through men women admire themselves. The following observation by G.A. Martin is very suggestive: "...the glance is a support for the female narcissism, so a woman has to look obliquely . . . mostly to observe if she is being looked at." (Martin, G.A.: "Moira o la Sexualidad Femenina,"Helguero, Argentina, 1980)

Making an incursion in the philosophical, mythological and archetypal aspects of sexual psychology, I think that, from these points of view, we can consider women as being and possessing the "erotic body" by nature. While the principle of Eros predominates in women, the principle of Logos predominates in men. Both are principles of diverse and complementary nature. Nevertheless, I must say that obviously Logos is also present in women, and Eros is also present in men. Therefore, the differences lie mostly in the principle that predominates in each sex ­ that is, in the quantitative, and not in the qualitative in absolute terms. In female psychology there are elements of male psychology and vice versa.

Considering that Eros predominates in female nature, it is in women that men search for this principle. On the other hand, women search for Logos in men, since from the archetypal point of view this principle predominates in male nature (though the existence of a very typical and specifically female kind of Logos has always been traditionally evident).

The Jungian concepts of Anima and Animus are also very appropriate to this subject. According to [Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Gustav] Jung, the Anima archetype corresponds to the primal images of women existing in male psychology, and the Animus archetype to the primal images of men existing in female psychology. In accordance with the Jungian school, Anima is projected by men on women, and Animus is projected by women on men. In other words, men search for the personification of Anima in women, and women search for the personification of Animus in men.

As to the Anima archetype, Jung observes: "There is a collective woman's image in the unconscious of men, with the help of which they can understand women's nature . . . . The whole male being, body and spirit, presupposes the woman's being. His system is oriented 'a priori' to her . . . ." (Jung, C.G.: "O Eueo Inconsciente" ["The Self and the Unconscious"] ­ Vozes, Petrópolis, Brazil, 1978). Regarding Animus, Jung says: "The woman is compensated with a male nature and, because of this, her unconscious has a male signal . . . . I designated the factor that determines projections in women as Animus. This word means reason or spirit." (Jung, C.G.: "Aion ­ Estudos sobre o Simbolismo do Si-Mesmo" ["Aion ­ Studies on the Symbolism of the Self"] ­ Vozes, Petrópolis, Brazil, 1982)

Joining all of these data, we notice a relation between the Anima archetype and the philosophical principle of Eros, as well as an equal one between Animus and Logos.

Though this subject is too complex to be discussed in depth in this article (and it's also capable of generating some misunderstandings), I hope that these observations have added something to the understanding of several aspects of female sexuality as well as stimulated new reflections on the subject. In spite of women as our theme, in order to reach a better understanding of some peculiarities of their sexual psychology, a comparative analysis with aspects of the male one was necessary.

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